Lovesick

I can see him whenever I want to. I have pictures of him on my computer in a special file. When I'm alone I look at them, trying so hard to travel each line of his face, each pore, the tonal gradiation of his skin, the stubble of his beard, the sinews beneath his skin, where I can imagine my hand resting, feeling the life-blood pumping through his veins as what has been dream turns to flesh. But then too sometimes, I cannot bear to look. Cannot bear to know what I do because then I know how far away we are from each other.

He is not the person I thought I would be with and yet in every way he is exactly the man I knew was waiting for me my entire life. That there are more obstacles to us being together outside of distance and other matters isn't surprising. Nothing has ever been easy for me in love.

For a long time even though I practice the art of love magick, I never considered the possibility that it would have any bearing on my life. I saw myself as a sage witch of love magick; helping others to make their dreams reality.

How many times have I cast spells to help those in love, not just bringing love, drawing love to them; but fixing love, making love return, making love stay? The intricacies of love are myriad and vary from person to person. One wants to bring back the only man she feels ever loved her well. Another wants to find a soulmate. Another wants to cheat on her husband. Another is cheating on his wife and wants her to find someone else to ease his guilt.

No love spells for me. I have a husband and even though we have long moved into an expression of our relationship that may be outside the norm of most marriages; it works for us. He is not the love of my life as much as I am sure I am not of his.

Still even with my abilities as a witch I would never try to bring my soulmate, my beloved to me, though I ache and yearn for him in such a palpable way that I breathe air like poison in those agonizing moments when I am tuned in to him, when I sense him and there is no ending or yeilding of his force upon my heart.

There is no spell to bring him to me. No spell that can change him nor would I want to change him for he is the right person for me as he is, even though in being that right person it prevents us from being together.

There are times like today and yesterday when I lament love and knowledge and precognition (all companions of mine) and wish that I was as blissfully unaware as a year and half ago, before the soulmate spell. Before the fateful dreams of precognition. Before he was revealed to me. Before I knew his name and the role he was to play in the remainder of my days.

I go back to the photos; they are all I have of him for now. I study his face, his handsome but then un-handsome face. His extraordinary ordinariness. The way his hair curls against his neck. The spark in his changing hazel eyes; amber then muddy brown then a sliver of emerald fire rimming the depths. Such warmth he brings to my cold world. Even like this, for this love, strange and unforgiveable; I am grateful.